The feelings lately
Just like this
Runs 'round my head
most everyday
Time to hang the head
Sit in stupor
Enough!
Rise and walk
Rise and Walk
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sin Resilience
Some of my thoughts over the past few days:
I spent much of my time as a youth and young adult trying to be small. Not physically small, but small so I would not be noticed, not called on. This led to many behaviors that were counter productive. I frequently thought that I did not matter, that I was not good enough (which is also part of another, larger issue). These thoughts helped me to lie to myself about my real intentions, my real desires and thoughts. I would hide from what I really thought or felt and try to conform to the standards set by others for me. I bottled all those thoughts and desires up deep inside of me and eventually, just like sewage leaks outs of a broken pipe, that vessel ruptured and I was swept away in a vile flood. That flood lasted a long time. I am now just stepping out of it, on to the shore of understanding. I wish I would not have run from my thoughts, not hid from my desires, but rather faced them head on to overcome them when they were small and easy to defeat. I wish I had dared greatly to shape who I wanted to be, instead of run and hide from everything.
Sin resilience:
I have been reading a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. The book is about shame and how we deal with it. Its a very good read. In the book she talks about shame resilience, which is the idea that we will all experience shame, we cannot resist it (in fact she states that resisting shame leads to more shame). That is where this idea comes from. Now I know that the scriptures all tell us to resist evil and temptation, but what happens when we do sin, when we slip and make mistakes (even if our intentions were good)? We all will, at some point in our lives experience this. Whether from our own selves or from someone else. So what do we do about it? Repent? That is an excellent place to start! But I think we don't understand repentance as well as we could. This idea has helped me to understand it a bit more. Here it is:
Sin resilience is:
1. An understanding that we all sin, whether wanting to or not, we all do
2. Not letting the sins or mistakes define who we are or who we want to be
3. Accepting the fact that we all need forgiveness and the steps of repentance to feel whole and healthy
4. Not beating yourself or others up about their mistakes, rather have an attitude of forgiveness and understanding (most likely that person already feels bad about their mistakes)
Its still kind of a work in progress. I've been pondering over these ideas for about a month now and I finally came to a realization of that they all mean today.
I spent much of my time as a youth and young adult trying to be small. Not physically small, but small so I would not be noticed, not called on. This led to many behaviors that were counter productive. I frequently thought that I did not matter, that I was not good enough (which is also part of another, larger issue). These thoughts helped me to lie to myself about my real intentions, my real desires and thoughts. I would hide from what I really thought or felt and try to conform to the standards set by others for me. I bottled all those thoughts and desires up deep inside of me and eventually, just like sewage leaks outs of a broken pipe, that vessel ruptured and I was swept away in a vile flood. That flood lasted a long time. I am now just stepping out of it, on to the shore of understanding. I wish I would not have run from my thoughts, not hid from my desires, but rather faced them head on to overcome them when they were small and easy to defeat. I wish I had dared greatly to shape who I wanted to be, instead of run and hide from everything.
Sin resilience:
I have been reading a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. The book is about shame and how we deal with it. Its a very good read. In the book she talks about shame resilience, which is the idea that we will all experience shame, we cannot resist it (in fact she states that resisting shame leads to more shame). That is where this idea comes from. Now I know that the scriptures all tell us to resist evil and temptation, but what happens when we do sin, when we slip and make mistakes (even if our intentions were good)? We all will, at some point in our lives experience this. Whether from our own selves or from someone else. So what do we do about it? Repent? That is an excellent place to start! But I think we don't understand repentance as well as we could. This idea has helped me to understand it a bit more. Here it is:
Sin resilience is:
1. An understanding that we all sin, whether wanting to or not, we all do
2. Not letting the sins or mistakes define who we are or who we want to be
3. Accepting the fact that we all need forgiveness and the steps of repentance to feel whole and healthy
4. Not beating yourself or others up about their mistakes, rather have an attitude of forgiveness and understanding (most likely that person already feels bad about their mistakes)
Its still kind of a work in progress. I've been pondering over these ideas for about a month now and I finally came to a realization of that they all mean today.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Poet, maybe?
This is a poem I wrote one day after class. It really captured what this addiction makes me feel, makes me do. I don't think I could have expressed it any better than this.
4/9/13
Cover, hide and run away
These are the things I feel today
Cover, hide and run away
These are the things I feel today
Too much to bear
I cannot stay
I cannot stay
So I run and I weep and I cower in shame
Too much to bear this flickering flame
Too much to bear this flickering flame
And lest it go out
I cover my guilt
Pretend
I cover my guilt
Pretend
Where is that hope
So long awaited?
So long awaited?
The bright truth of love
That once was mine
That once was mine
Monday, May 20, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Some Thoughts for tonight
I am afraid.
I fear falling back into sin, back into the endless hole of addiction. As I was talking to my counselor just last Friday I've never gone this far without desiring pornography, without acting out on my addictions. I feel uneasy in this new territory of liberation. I do not know what it is like to live without shackles on my writs, binding me to desire. I am unfamiliar with this peace and happiness I have.
And I am happy. I finally, for the first time in a very long time, feel happy. I feel at peace. I know there is more to do, more to work out and work out, but I feel good. I feel liberated! never have I felt such marvelous hope and power in my life. (I don't know where to put my mission in all this. It counts for something though)
I can still feel, still think of all the things I need to ask forgiveness for. From the Lord, from my wife, and from the other persons I have harmed in my life during the course of this addiction. I worry over that. I worry that my apologies and declarations will be understood and accepted. I worry that I will never have the closure and peace that forgiveness brings. And not just for me.
Fear does not bind me. I will continue this path, doing the 'right' thing, until I see it through. I will not run, but instead will trust in the Lord my God for strength and support.
I forgot to mention that my wife and I had a marriage counseling session that was amazing. The weekend before we had the meeting we had a big fight about something really stupid, but overly snide, I had said. She took it the wrong way and I reacted badly. Needless to say, we had a bad weekend. While we were talking to the counselor, we came to understand and acknowledge the hurt and bruised feelings we each had. it was an amazing session. This week has been so much better, so much happier. I am wearing my wedding band again. It means more to me now. I am so happy and so grateful that she did not leave when she clearly could have. That she was stronger than I to tough it out. Thank you!
That gives me so much hope and so much to look forward to in the future. Don't despair, there is hope even in the darkest nights of your soul.
I fear falling back into sin, back into the endless hole of addiction. As I was talking to my counselor just last Friday I've never gone this far without desiring pornography, without acting out on my addictions. I feel uneasy in this new territory of liberation. I do not know what it is like to live without shackles on my writs, binding me to desire. I am unfamiliar with this peace and happiness I have.
And I am happy. I finally, for the first time in a very long time, feel happy. I feel at peace. I know there is more to do, more to work out and work out, but I feel good. I feel liberated! never have I felt such marvelous hope and power in my life. (I don't know where to put my mission in all this. It counts for something though)
I can still feel, still think of all the things I need to ask forgiveness for. From the Lord, from my wife, and from the other persons I have harmed in my life during the course of this addiction. I worry over that. I worry that my apologies and declarations will be understood and accepted. I worry that I will never have the closure and peace that forgiveness brings. And not just for me.
Fear does not bind me. I will continue this path, doing the 'right' thing, until I see it through. I will not run, but instead will trust in the Lord my God for strength and support.
I forgot to mention that my wife and I had a marriage counseling session that was amazing. The weekend before we had the meeting we had a big fight about something really stupid, but overly snide, I had said. She took it the wrong way and I reacted badly. Needless to say, we had a bad weekend. While we were talking to the counselor, we came to understand and acknowledge the hurt and bruised feelings we each had. it was an amazing session. This week has been so much better, so much happier. I am wearing my wedding band again. It means more to me now. I am so happy and so grateful that she did not leave when she clearly could have. That she was stronger than I to tough it out. Thank you!
That gives me so much hope and so much to look forward to in the future. Don't despair, there is hope even in the darkest nights of your soul.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Like Drowning from the Inside
I have a marriage that is falling apart. I have a life half-ruined by my bad choices. In a word, I'm running ragged, running out of hope. I've had some temptations in the past three days to look at pornography, which is causing a large portion of my distress. I had thought the pull of it had lessened for me by now. I did not realize that the urges would still be so strong and so vivid. Thankfully I did not give in, but it certainly gave me a fright. Now I'm worried, depressed and more burned out than I care to say. I did not feel well enough to attend church, I was feeling too depressed and unworthy. Due to some other issues I have created for myself (for the which I am loathsome to my own body and self, I wish I could run away from myself!) I cannot take the sacrament or use the priesthood, I am a shell of a man, a husk of a Latter Day Saint. I don't know if I'm even worthy to be called such. So sometimes the thought of 'your not really good enough, going to church wont help you' drums in my head and I feel attending church is a pointless endeavor No doubt I will be hated all the more for my 'feelings'.
Speaking of feelings. I have been thinking back to my youth and childhood. I was first introduced to porn at a young age, about 9 or 10. Some friends and I were walking home from school and one pulled out a picture of a naked woman. Never had I seen such a thing, I didn't know how to react. They thought it was cool, so I played along, even with the uneasy feeling I had about it. Thus began the nearly 15 year ordeal with pornography; that's longer than half my life time! I don't know much else but the struggle with it. At about age 15 or 16 things got really bad. I stopped trying as hard to avoid it. Girls were a frustratingly beautiful mystery. I never had many girl friends. I was too reclusive. I hate myself for that. I wish I had been more active, but a part of me had withered and I was unworthy the entirety of my youth. I was a waste of a person. I feel that my emotional and spiritual progress just about stopped dead in its tracks around that time. The only time it got better was during my mission. I still feel stunted, forever unable to feel 'normal' people feelings about life and relationships. I don't understand the intricacies of relationships, or even logical processes. I truly feel unable to cope with all these rushing emotions I have coming at me. They are too much and too many so I run away and hide in my fantasy worlds; games, isolation, anger, hate and more. That's the only way I know how to deal with them.
On the whole I feel like a very unrounded person. Rough and sharp. I don't know how to care for myself or even others quite right. It's like I'm stumbling through the steps, unsure of how to complete them. I have a lot or 'people I know', outsiders who don't really know me nor I them; I sometimes call them my friends But I have no real, close friends. That's too scary a step, too much a commitment.
It's like a roiling sea
Deep inside of me
No gulp or air
Fresh and clean
to calm my burning lungs
Perhaps someday, somewhere
Rescue will find
Me
Well, there is your unplanned poem for the day. Sums up alot of what I am feeling. I feel helpless and alone. I know in my head that such is not the case, that I am not alone or helpless. That is why Christ came. yet I stand in the midst of a battle between my wits and my heart. No matter how loudly my head argues, pleads and presents its logical case, my heart just bleeds. It doesn't understand logic; at least not right now.
Speaking of feelings. I have been thinking back to my youth and childhood. I was first introduced to porn at a young age, about 9 or 10. Some friends and I were walking home from school and one pulled out a picture of a naked woman. Never had I seen such a thing, I didn't know how to react. They thought it was cool, so I played along, even with the uneasy feeling I had about it. Thus began the nearly 15 year ordeal with pornography; that's longer than half my life time! I don't know much else but the struggle with it. At about age 15 or 16 things got really bad. I stopped trying as hard to avoid it. Girls were a frustratingly beautiful mystery. I never had many girl friends. I was too reclusive. I hate myself for that. I wish I had been more active, but a part of me had withered and I was unworthy the entirety of my youth. I was a waste of a person. I feel that my emotional and spiritual progress just about stopped dead in its tracks around that time. The only time it got better was during my mission. I still feel stunted, forever unable to feel 'normal' people feelings about life and relationships. I don't understand the intricacies of relationships, or even logical processes. I truly feel unable to cope with all these rushing emotions I have coming at me. They are too much and too many so I run away and hide in my fantasy worlds; games, isolation, anger, hate and more. That's the only way I know how to deal with them.
On the whole I feel like a very unrounded person. Rough and sharp. I don't know how to care for myself or even others quite right. It's like I'm stumbling through the steps, unsure of how to complete them. I have a lot or 'people I know', outsiders who don't really know me nor I them; I sometimes call them my friends But I have no real, close friends. That's too scary a step, too much a commitment.
It's like a roiling sea
Deep inside of me
No gulp or air
Fresh and clean
to calm my burning lungs
Perhaps someday, somewhere
Rescue will find
Me
Well, there is your unplanned poem for the day. Sums up alot of what I am feeling. I feel helpless and alone. I know in my head that such is not the case, that I am not alone or helpless. That is why Christ came. yet I stand in the midst of a battle between my wits and my heart. No matter how loudly my head argues, pleads and presents its logical case, my heart just bleeds. It doesn't understand logic; at least not right now.
Bend or Break
Sometimes it feels like this:
I've lost everything, and am in limbo. Its all thrown up in the air, will I ever get back to the ground? Will I ever find 'normal' again? Will the wind ever come again? The lines that get me most are 'I've lost the line between sky and sea' and 'I've lost the line between her and me/ My troubles are gone if the wind ever comes for me'. I'm struck at how well this song describes some of my deepest feelings. I've been hit by a hurricane, I'm in the air, tumbling and I don't know how to get back down, how to land safely. As the song states, I will break or I will bend, I can see her waiting for me there, but how do I get down, will the wind ever come for me? I don't think I really do it justice. I cannot express how I feel fully. But this song surely helps.
Another help is, yet again, another song by the Fray:
Hits a few cords pretty good here too. What I mostly get from this the longing I feel for getting better.
'I've been going so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?'
Has it been too long, will you turn to me, can I even come back or am I completely unwanted, hated, so that returning just causes pain. Do I want to return? Have I learned too much to stay? I can barely say!
Those are just a few thoughts of my melancholy tonight.
Another help is, yet again, another song by the Fray:
'I've been going so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?'
Has it been too long, will you turn to me, can I even come back or am I completely unwanted, hated, so that returning just causes pain. Do I want to return? Have I learned too much to stay? I can barely say!
Those are just a few thoughts of my melancholy tonight.
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