Some Thoughts for tonight

I am afraid.

I fear falling back into sin, back into the endless hole of addiction. As I was talking to my counselor just last Friday  I've never gone this far without desiring pornography, without acting out on my addictions. I feel uneasy in this new territory of liberation. I do not know what it is like to live without shackles on my writs, binding me to desire. I am unfamiliar with this peace and happiness I have.

And I am happy. I finally, for the first time in a very long time, feel happy. I feel at peace. I know there is more to do, more to work out and work out, but I feel good. I feel liberated! never have I felt such marvelous hope and power in my life. (I don't know where to put my mission in all this. It counts for something though)

I can still feel, still think of all the things I need to ask forgiveness for. From the Lord, from my wife, and from the other persons I have harmed in my life during the course of this addiction. I worry over that. I worry that my apologies and declarations will be understood and accepted. I worry that I will never have the closure and peace that forgiveness brings. And not just for me.

Fear does not bind me. I will continue this path, doing the 'right' thing, until I see it through. I will not run, but instead will trust in the Lord my God for strength and support.

I forgot to mention that my wife and I had a marriage counseling session that was amazing. The weekend before we had the meeting we had a big fight about something really stupid, but overly snide, I had said. She took it the wrong way and I reacted badly. Needless to say, we had a bad weekend. While we were talking to the counselor, we came to understand and acknowledge the hurt and bruised feelings we each had. it was an amazing session. This week has been so much better, so much happier. I am wearing my wedding band again. It means more to me now. I am so happy and so grateful that she did not leave when she clearly could have. That she was stronger than I to tough it out. Thank you!

That gives me so much hope and so much to look forward to in the future. Don't despair, there is hope even in the darkest nights of your soul.