Hugs

She embraced me, or rather had me embrace her tonight after I got off work. It was he first really 'intimate' thing she has desired of me since this all started. That hug meant a lot. This night has seen the opening up, ever so slightly, indicating she is wanting my company. That to me is amazing and I'm grateful we, as a couple, are making small steps.
    On the whole there has been more emotion and love on both our parts in these past few days. I feel so small and humble thinking that she still loves me. I enjoy that thought greatly. I want to love her and want her to love me. Though I hesitate, afraid of new wounds. So does she. We both hold a part of ourselves back hoping to keep away the scars.
     Healing from such a systemic addiction as pornography takes time. I had not thought it would take so much time. Now I am glad, grateful that it does. Else how would I know to savor these emotions and trials? How could the Lord sculpt me without a hammer and chisel? As Switchfoot says "we are bruised and broken masterpieces/but we did not paint ourselves". We all bear scars of divine origin. God will shape us whether we ask him to or not, whether we welcome it or not, he will mold us into the people he needs and wants us to be. I never asked for this trial, yet I have it. I wish I could root out forever the evil desires of my heart for lustful things (and not just porn), yet I suffer them. That is how a better me and you is formed. One slow, painful chisel 'stroke' at a time.