So far...

I think for me at this point, the hardest thing is not the addiction, its the relationships. Its managing the blame and the hurt and the alienation. How do you just pick up the pieces of your broken life and go on? You can't just pretend it never happened, or that its not that big a deal. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not all that ready to even try mending the shattered beyond repair relationship I have with my wife. I don't even know where to begin. There is no trust between us and love, if any, is mostly gone. I sit and despair over it because I am so lost for what to do. Maybe I'm just not at the point of repair quite yet...

I've been going now to the addiction recovery classes for about 3.5 months. Classes are great and the steps of the program are so what I needed. They give me hope. I must admit that I am not very good at studying the manual as I should/ought/want to. But I can attest to the fact that it works and its makes me feel so good when I do. Step 4 is by far the hardest for me so far. My memory is fuzzy and weak in some areas and I never know when I should be 'done' with my list. Or maybe, I worry, that I haven't included enough (after all, I am SUCH a horrible person) and other such things. It seems like a never ending step. So, Yea, there I am. Semi-stuck with the program.

I could not have come so far without the help of the amazing counselor I'm seeing at LDS family services. He has been the most loving, kind supporting and above all patient person with me! Without his help, I would not be here, er, well, where I am in regards to my repentance and personal progress.

I (start a lot of sentences with 'I') didn't really know what to write tonight. So sorry for any jumps. I'm trying to compile a timeline of sorts to post, chronicling how this addiction started for me and all the other fun stuff that went around it.

Bottom line, I'm still struggling with my personal values and desires. I still don't know exactly what my personal motivation is for even going through this program. For I want forgiveness, do I want reconciliation, do I want peace, do I need relief? I think these are all good starting places, but most of all, what is my final destination? Where do in want to be after all this is done? Where is the addiction recovery program taking me and do I want to be there? That for me is the ultimate question.