What it feels like...

The feelings lately

Just like this

Runs 'round my head

most everyday

Time to hang the head

Sit in stupor

Enough!

Rise and walk

Rise and Walk

Sin Resilience

Some of my thoughts over the past few days:

I spent much of my time as a youth and young adult trying to be small. Not physically small, but small so I would not be noticed, not called on. This led to many behaviors that were counter productive. I frequently thought that I did not matter, that I was not good enough (which is also part of another, larger issue). These thoughts helped me to lie to myself about my real intentions, my real desires and thoughts. I would hide from what I really thought or felt and try to conform to the standards set by others for me. I bottled all those thoughts and desires up deep inside of me and eventually, just like sewage leaks outs of a broken pipe, that vessel ruptured and I was swept away in a vile flood. That flood lasted a long time. I am now just stepping out of it, on to the shore of understanding. I wish I would not have run from my thoughts, not hid from my desires, but rather faced them head on to overcome them when they were small and easy to defeat. I wish I had dared greatly to shape who I wanted to be, instead of run and hide from everything.

Sin resilience:
I have been reading a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. The book is about shame and how we deal with it. Its a very good read. In the book she talks about shame resilience, which is the idea that we will all experience shame, we cannot resist it (in fact she states that resisting shame leads to more shame). That is where this idea comes from. Now I know that the scriptures all tell us to resist evil and temptation, but what happens when we do sin, when we slip and make mistakes (even if our intentions were good)? We all will, at some point in our lives experience this. Whether from our own selves or from someone else. So what do we do about it? Repent? That is an excellent place to start! But I think we don't understand repentance as well as we could. This idea has helped me to understand it a bit more. Here it is:

Sin resilience is:
1. An understanding that we all sin, whether wanting to or not, we all do
2. Not letting the sins or mistakes define who we are or who we want to be
3. Accepting the fact that we all need forgiveness and the steps of repentance to feel whole and healthy
4. Not beating yourself or others up about their mistakes, rather have an attitude of forgiveness and understanding (most likely that person already feels bad about their mistakes)

Its still kind of a work in progress. I've been pondering over these ideas for about a month now and I finally came to a realization of that they all mean today.

Poet, maybe?

This is a poem I wrote one day after class. It really captured what this addiction makes me feel, makes me do. I don't think I could have expressed it any better than this.

4/9/13
Cover, hide and run away
These are the things I feel today

Too much to bear
I cannot stay

So I run and I weep and I cower in shame
Too much to bear this flickering flame

And lest it go out
I cover my guilt
     Pretend

Where is that hope
So long awaited?

The bright truth of love
That once was mine

Retrospect

This song makes me tear up, such a good song!

Some Thoughts for tonight

I am afraid.

I fear falling back into sin, back into the endless hole of addiction. As I was talking to my counselor just last Friday  I've never gone this far without desiring pornography, without acting out on my addictions. I feel uneasy in this new territory of liberation. I do not know what it is like to live without shackles on my writs, binding me to desire. I am unfamiliar with this peace and happiness I have.

And I am happy. I finally, for the first time in a very long time, feel happy. I feel at peace. I know there is more to do, more to work out and work out, but I feel good. I feel liberated! never have I felt such marvelous hope and power in my life. (I don't know where to put my mission in all this. It counts for something though)

I can still feel, still think of all the things I need to ask forgiveness for. From the Lord, from my wife, and from the other persons I have harmed in my life during the course of this addiction. I worry over that. I worry that my apologies and declarations will be understood and accepted. I worry that I will never have the closure and peace that forgiveness brings. And not just for me.

Fear does not bind me. I will continue this path, doing the 'right' thing, until I see it through. I will not run, but instead will trust in the Lord my God for strength and support.

I forgot to mention that my wife and I had a marriage counseling session that was amazing. The weekend before we had the meeting we had a big fight about something really stupid, but overly snide, I had said. She took it the wrong way and I reacted badly. Needless to say, we had a bad weekend. While we were talking to the counselor, we came to understand and acknowledge the hurt and bruised feelings we each had. it was an amazing session. This week has been so much better, so much happier. I am wearing my wedding band again. It means more to me now. I am so happy and so grateful that she did not leave when she clearly could have. That she was stronger than I to tough it out. Thank you!

That gives me so much hope and so much to look forward to in the future. Don't despair, there is hope even in the darkest nights of your soul.

Like Drowning from the Inside

I have a marriage that is falling apart. I have a life half-ruined by my bad choices. In a word, I'm running ragged, running out of hope. I've had some temptations in the past three days to look at pornography, which is causing a large portion of my distress. I had thought the pull of it had lessened for me by now. I did not realize that the urges would still be so strong and so vivid. Thankfully I did not give in, but it certainly gave me a fright. Now I'm worried, depressed and more burned out than I care to say. I did not feel well enough to attend church, I was feeling too depressed and unworthy. Due to some other issues I have created for myself (for the which I am loathsome to my own body and self, I wish I could run away from myself!) I cannot take the sacrament or use the priesthood, I am a shell of a man, a husk of a Latter Day Saint. I don't know if I'm even worthy to be called such. So sometimes the thought of 'your not really good enough, going to church wont help you' drums in my head and I feel attending church is a pointless endeavor  No doubt I will be hated all the more for my 'feelings'.

Speaking of feelings. I have been thinking back to my youth and childhood. I was first introduced to porn at a young age, about 9 or 10. Some friends and I were walking home from school and one pulled out a picture of a naked woman. Never had I seen such a thing, I didn't know how to react. They thought it was cool, so I played along, even with the uneasy feeling I had about it. Thus began the nearly 15 year ordeal with pornography; that's longer than half my life time! I don't know much else but the struggle with it. At about age 15 or 16 things got really bad. I stopped trying as hard to avoid it. Girls were a frustratingly beautiful mystery. I never had many girl friends. I was too reclusive. I hate myself for that. I wish I had been more active, but a part of me had withered and I was unworthy the entirety of my youth. I was a waste of a person. I feel that my emotional and spiritual progress just about stopped dead in its tracks around that time. The only time it got better was during my mission. I still feel stunted, forever unable to feel 'normal' people feelings about life and relationships. I don't understand the intricacies of relationships, or even logical processes. I truly feel unable to cope with all these rushing emotions I have coming at me. They are too much and too many so I run away and hide in my fantasy worlds; games, isolation, anger, hate and more. That's the only way I know how to deal with them.

On the whole I feel like a very unrounded person. Rough and sharp. I don't know how to care for myself or even others quite right. It's like I'm stumbling through the steps, unsure of how to complete them. I have a lot or 'people I know', outsiders who don't really know me nor I them; I sometimes call them my friends  But I have no real, close friends. That's too scary a step, too much a commitment.

It's like a roiling sea
Deep inside of me

No gulp or air
Fresh and clean

to calm my burning lungs

Perhaps someday, somewhere
Rescue will find

Me

Well, there is your unplanned poem for the day. Sums up alot of what I am feeling. I feel helpless and alone. I know in my head that such is not the case, that I am not alone or helpless. That is why Christ came. yet I stand in the midst of a battle between my wits and my heart. No matter how loudly my head argues, pleads and presents its logical case, my heart just bleeds. It doesn't understand logic; at least not right now.

Bend or Break

Sometimes it feels like this:

I've lost everything, and am in limbo. Its all thrown up in the air, will I ever get back to the ground? Will I ever find 'normal' again? Will the wind ever come again? The lines that get me most are 'I've lost the line between sky and sea' and 'I've lost the line between her and me/ My troubles are gone if the wind ever comes for me'. I'm struck at how well this song describes some of my deepest feelings. I've been hit by a hurricane, I'm in the air, tumbling and I don't know how to get back down, how to land safely. As the song states, I will break or I will bend, I can see her waiting for me there, but how do I get down, will the wind ever come for me? I don't think I really do it justice. I cannot express how I feel fully. But this song surely helps.

Another help is, yet again, another song by the Fray:

Hits a few cords pretty good here too. What I mostly get from this the longing I feel for getting better.

'I've been going so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?'

Has it been too long, will you turn to me, can I even come back or am I completely unwanted, hated, so that returning just causes pain. Do I want to return? Have I learned too much to stay? I can barely say!

Those are just a few thoughts of my melancholy tonight.

Essential!

I am not a victim of my body! I am not bound by what I 'feel' or 'want' to do! I can choose!

Those are some of the truths I've been thinking over lately. Namely that I am not bound by my desires. I may desire pornography or other addictive behaviors  but I do not have to give in to that desire. There are many times in life that are like that. In each one we are given a choice; our agency is essential!

That is amazing!

Similes & Metaphors

There are a few things I'd like to share.

First, this is a thought I had while trying to stay away from pornography and having troubles. This is what it felt like for me to try and try and fail each and every time:

Imagine you own a cake factory, a beautiful factory with a marvelous oven. You make amazing, beautiful cakes to enjoy and to share. Then one day you find this secret setting for your oven that bakes the cakes and other sweets so marvelously and gorgeously and much faster than any other setting, in fact this setting makes the best, most perfect delights you have ever seen; there is nothing to rival it in all your life. You begin to use this setting only tentatively at first, not wanting to over use it and possibly break it. Each of these cakes brings you great happiness and satisfaction, and the sweets the secret setting even more so. As time goes on you begin to use the setting more and more often until the majority of your creations are being made with this wonderful setting. Your oven is now mostly producing product from this setting, with nearly 95% or more sweets being made with it, the lesser settings just will not do; their creations are vile and repulsive in comparison to the secret setting. Then one day, a cake you were baking explodes while being baked on the secret setting, with cake batter and other ingredients flying EVERYWHERE in your beautiful, immaculate kitchen. The batter from this setting gets incredibly hot and sticks to the walls and the floor surprisingly tight. You immediately then off your oven and set about cleaning up the batter and baking mess, trying to salvage as much as possible. With success you resume your baking duties but avoiding the secret setting for a time, hoping to avoid a further meltdown. Sadly, the cakes and sweets you are making now just don't measure up to the grand and awe inspiring creations from the secret setting. You dare to use it one more time, after all so ,much time has passed, it must be safe. You make a wonderful and amazing cake, a castle of a cake, with great success on the secret setting. You feel more confident that things are back to normal and you resume use of the secret setting to make the most marvelous creations yet, with each one more grand than the next. Yet again one day, the oven overheats and the cake gets everywhere. Again you repeat the process of cleaning and limiting use. 

    Eventually, the secret setting always explode always creates disaster and havoc. Your walls and floor and beginning to look more like cake and other sweets. They refuse to be cleaned anymore. Your oven now is stuck making things on the secret setting and cannot be turned off. Its as if it has taken on a life of its own and now create cakes twisted and foul smelling, yet the production never ceasing. This still brings wonder into your eyes, but you begin to worry and despair that you will never be able to stop it. Even unplugged it continues on in some horrible machination of life, taunting you to stop it. So you do the only thing you can do... You grab your cleaning tools and set about clearing away the mess. Your mop and broom cease to be useful, as the floor is mostly cake batter, ruined and soggy. You try a vacuum only to have it erupt in flames as the motor burns out. Your are left with a flat bladed chisel and a hammer. Slowly, painfully you begin to chip away at the filth and refuse clinging to the walls and floor, slowly clearing away a spot at a time. Sadly, just as soon as you clear away a small section, the oven regurgitates a steaming pile of batter, covering your progress as if on purpose. You continue at this futile attempt to clean and recover again only to be thwarted by the infernal oven. It seems no amount of work on your part is working, your once thriving business of cakes and sweets has been ruined, with all knowing you have fallen into disarray and dishonor, none daring to venture into your shop. 

   The point of this little metaphor is to know, and remember  that you have a whole CASTLE for your use! You have other rooms to go into, you can stop worrying about the possessed oven and go enjoy other parts of your house. Go throw a party in the ballroom, go tend to your plants in the green house. The oven will eventually go out. The more time and energy we waste in trying to clean up after it or condemn it for being the way it is will only end up feeding it more. The more attention we give it the more power it has over us. Leave the oven and go enjoy your castle!

Railroad

No person can be derailed from his course without his consent. No sinner is doomed to travel only the path that Satan lays for him. That path can be changed at anytime by a strong and consistent righteous desire. There is always a way out of the path of sin and that has been provided by Jesus. because of his sacrifice and his care over us, we can change at anytime during our train ride of life. We are not bound by sin. We are not doomed by Satan's desires. That is one of the great lies he tries to foist on us.
     Ultimately the Lord's desire for us is to travel the path, the rails that his son, Jesus Christ, set down to guide us to him. He is the great liberator. He will deliver from sin and death.

The wonderful plan

Just recently I've had some experiences about the atonement and the love, the incomprehensible love of the Savior and of God. I have obtained a witness of just how great and deep and unfailing that love is. Never had I comprehended the kind of love they have for me. In a talk given by elder Jeffrey r. Holland hr talks about the fact that Jesus had to go through a period of time where the spirit was whithdrwan from him so that hr could know with painful exactness what we mortals face on a daily basis, that is the loss or void of the holy spirit. That brief moment in time when the father withdrew his spirit have all of us the love and the comfort and compassion we could ever need. Because he walked alone and wrought the atonement alone we will never be alone. He truly has suffered all we have and has bourn our sorrows and carried our griefs. He knows, intimately, all our sufferings and because of that can lift us up when we feel hopeless and helpless and completely worthless. His light is forever and cannot be dimmed, there is always hope and love but a short prayer away. He never leaves us.

Though I do not know many things, I know this: that because he lives we too can live. His love is everlasting and his compassion knows no bounds. His miraculous atonement can cleans us and heal us of all sin, it can make us whole again. He will not leave us alone or helpless. I know this to be absolutely true. God's love is eternal.

Here are some amazing talks that have helped me GREATLY in my battle for repentance and forgiveness:

1 - Safety for the Soul

2 - None Were with Him

I hope they help you. Whether you are battling this addiction yourself or are companion to one such, they will help you find peace.

Meeting

Another meeting. Thursday nights are taken up by the addiction recovery program. Simple, yet beautiful. The mix of people who ate struggling with this addiction is amazing. From teens to the elderly. Satan truly knows no bounds. At first I went out of obligation, I 'had to'. Now I go because I want to. The spirit can be felt here, even among us sinners. It is a wonderful place of healing and hope. These men who come from all walks of life show love and forgiveness and have a common understanding of how unearthly difficult this addiction is.

Other thoughts I've had this week: The american society easily sets up chances for failure. It is toxic, unforgiving, faithless and cynical. Women are simply objects to desire, objects to own and use. It is easy to get lost in it.

Hugs

She embraced me, or rather had me embrace her tonight after I got off work. It was he first really 'intimate' thing she has desired of me since this all started. That hug meant a lot. This night has seen the opening up, ever so slightly, indicating she is wanting my company. That to me is amazing and I'm grateful we, as a couple, are making small steps.
    On the whole there has been more emotion and love on both our parts in these past few days. I feel so small and humble thinking that she still loves me. I enjoy that thought greatly. I want to love her and want her to love me. Though I hesitate, afraid of new wounds. So does she. We both hold a part of ourselves back hoping to keep away the scars.
     Healing from such a systemic addiction as pornography takes time. I had not thought it would take so much time. Now I am glad, grateful that it does. Else how would I know to savor these emotions and trials? How could the Lord sculpt me without a hammer and chisel? As Switchfoot says "we are bruised and broken masterpieces/but we did not paint ourselves". We all bear scars of divine origin. God will shape us whether we ask him to or not, whether we welcome it or not, he will mold us into the people he needs and wants us to be. I never asked for this trial, yet I have it. I wish I could root out forever the evil desires of my heart for lustful things (and not just porn), yet I suffer them. That is how a better me and you is formed. One slow, painful chisel 'stroke' at a time.
    

Paces

She told me she loves me for the first time months last night. I'm trying not to read to much into that. It is nice to know she cares, even if its deep down and hidden. It just 'slipped out' after I prayed and during the prayer was able to feel sorrow and remorse for the times of trouble I had brought upon us.

I shall leave you with a neat cloud formation I saw while driving to work. Enjoy the beauty of God's great earth!

Cascade

I got caught.

That's how it all started in the first place; my recovery. My wife knew of my past pornography use, even before we married. We talked openly about our past struggles, yet I fell back into the trap. I don't think I ever 'got over' the pornography addiction I had while a teen and young adult. I somehow got through a two year mission, but was slowly seduced by the 'dark side' through video games and public media (and to be completely honest, just everyday life, some women/girls let it all hang out too easily) and slipped back into the addiction. My wife and I struggled with slip ups here and there for some fours years before I started going to the ARP. All through that time it was never treated as an addiction, just a character weakness, a 'problem' that needed addressing. Nothing more. I kept thinking, 'I just need to try harder, play less computer, watch less TV, maybe we need to have sex more often' and other such nonsense. Pornography use has nothing to be with sex, lack or overabundance thereof. Its a mental disease, a true addiction.

I freely admit that I got caught. Its what I need to change, it spurred me to realize I was heading down a deep, dark and deadly path. I could not see it on my own. I believe the lord set events in motion to help me come back to the truth, back to the gospel. Back to him.

So as odd as it may sound, I'm grateful that these events have taken place. The bitter, sin-wracked soul that I was was plucked, arrebatado, from sin. I've always liked that word. It means plucked, picked, so to save is to pluck from danger and sin.

So far...

I think for me at this point, the hardest thing is not the addiction, its the relationships. Its managing the blame and the hurt and the alienation. How do you just pick up the pieces of your broken life and go on? You can't just pretend it never happened, or that its not that big a deal. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not all that ready to even try mending the shattered beyond repair relationship I have with my wife. I don't even know where to begin. There is no trust between us and love, if any, is mostly gone. I sit and despair over it because I am so lost for what to do. Maybe I'm just not at the point of repair quite yet...

I've been going now to the addiction recovery classes for about 3.5 months. Classes are great and the steps of the program are so what I needed. They give me hope. I must admit that I am not very good at studying the manual as I should/ought/want to. But I can attest to the fact that it works and its makes me feel so good when I do. Step 4 is by far the hardest for me so far. My memory is fuzzy and weak in some areas and I never know when I should be 'done' with my list. Or maybe, I worry, that I haven't included enough (after all, I am SUCH a horrible person) and other such things. It seems like a never ending step. So, Yea, there I am. Semi-stuck with the program.

I could not have come so far without the help of the amazing counselor I'm seeing at LDS family services. He has been the most loving, kind supporting and above all patient person with me! Without his help, I would not be here, er, well, where I am in regards to my repentance and personal progress.

I (start a lot of sentences with 'I') didn't really know what to write tonight. So sorry for any jumps. I'm trying to compile a timeline of sorts to post, chronicling how this addiction started for me and all the other fun stuff that went around it.

Bottom line, I'm still struggling with my personal values and desires. I still don't know exactly what my personal motivation is for even going through this program. For I want forgiveness, do I want reconciliation, do I want peace, do I need relief? I think these are all good starting places, but most of all, what is my final destination? Where do in want to be after all this is done? Where is the addiction recovery program taking me and do I want to be there? That for me is the ultimate question.

A short intro

Hello, its late. I didn't really intend to create this blog. I, uh, feel rather afraid and almost ashamed writing on such a tender subject. Its still young for me. Still fresh. My wounds are healing, but its coming at a cost I did not anticipate, nor could in ever seen.

I make reference to the great fight I've had with pornography(I love how that word isn't in the dictionary for my mobile, not even a single version of it.) Over the past half of my life, almost 15 years. I'm now 28! Sobering really.

The idea came from my wife, and some other women, at an LDS addiction recovery meeting. And honestly now that I am writing this it feels, ... Better. Natural. I only hope I can share some stories and experiences that may help some other caught in the web of porn.

This complete update will need to wait until later on, as I need to be going to bed and sleeping and other such trivial things.